101 (ab)Uses for an Old Person

Guess it was the 1980's when 101 Uses for a Dead Cat first appeared.

I don't think I can come up with 101 ways to recycle old people for the advantage of society. M and I were at a meeting, last night, of a township citizens' group that had organized as part of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health arm of our township. The Older Adult Subcommittee had been formed to figure out how to provide assistance for the aged members of our suburban/near-urban community. We had high hopes when we agreed to look into it. We were going to provide snow-shovelling assistance to Last Quarter homeowners and maybe leaf-raking, as well .... As Solomon wrote: a time for every purpose under the Sun.

Reality hits hard. The Township Solicitor (the chief of paranoia and liability in municipal government) wouldn't permit youngsters to shovel ... middle-aged people didn't want to shovel ... and very old people, as I noted many blogs ago, were likely to be seen making snow-angels as part of their last desperate act to breathe if they attempted shovelling for others.

Raking? We had one volunteer.

Luncheons? What happens if someday someone dies from the cooking?

I know ... I know. We live in a litigious society and liability does have to be taken seriously. Last night we considered movies ... but maybe, just maybe we should eschew popcorn to avoid oldsters gagging. Exciting movies (never mind Classics that might bring memories to the Old and Haggard Baby-Boomers, like Behind the Green Door ... just jesting) should certainly be avoided. And Road Runner cartoons might lead to Walker-Races (6 legged races!) culminating in catastrophic injury. Maybe movies will work ... we'll see.

All that led me to obsess upon waking about how Last Quarter folk are seen and -- before getting out of bed -- the macabre ... are there 101 uses for retired old folk?

     Had an image of integrating a stuffed oldster with self-activating stop and go signs at a traffic circle?

     How about a front hall hat rack?

     With hands projected forward, maybe an umbrella holder?

     Extras in movies where action is to be centered on the young ... maybe seated in theaters?

     Certainly, if mechanized, the source of voters in close elections.

 
"Never-you-mind," I thought, "felines have far more cute value ... living or dead."  ....

Ah, relevance is more than it's cracked up to be (now who's cracking up?)

Just sayin'.

 (got better recycling ideas? leave me a note or contact your township solicitor.)