Raucous Pillow Talk (from the Crypt)

Halloween got nothin' on the travails of  Playing in the Fourth Quarter. Maybe Halloween, Deis Sanguinis and all other such holidays are, in the end, ways that the young deal with the terror of growing old. Who's to say?

For better or for worse -- "in sickness and in health" -- older folk do much of the same things in the bedroom that younger folk do. Perhaps, the drama of it all is somewhat diminished. The prospect of some Redd Foxx having a myocardial infarction while on top of some younger woman and finally meeting Elizabeth may put the damper on some synchronized horizontal aerobics but, from the reports I receive even after some men cannot remember the difference in purpose of Lunesta and Levitra, activity continues.

I have run into many -- for me -- fascinating conversations reported from the bedroom.

..... One couple, long married, were watching the 11 o'clock news that can easily be more disturbing than Dr. Shock. The talking head was reporting on the number of sex change operations and as they caught each others' glances, they broke out into uproarious laughter ... recognizing, without a word shared between them, that they had both momentarily considered whether the other might have started out with different plumbing.

.... Another couple got caught up in comparisons. They were both having chronic joint pain but she kept stressing how no back pain could compare to childbirth or even to menstrual pains. He accused her of going with the Obstetrics Card ... They ended up in a tickling match. She started it, he assured me, by making comparisons.

..... Many have told me about uproarious encounters when intercourse was interrupted by cramps. Cramps in the Last Quarter can, indeed, occur in all the striated long muscles of the legs and arms and also in the shorter muscles in the chest, neck, jaw, ... you name it. Frankly, I don't know that young couples can integrate the humor of it all ... .... moving towards release and then a shot outa the blue ... "I GOT A CRAMP ... OH, NO."

..... While young men and women fail to, older folk seem to be able to take in stride interruptions to the sexual response ... penises or vaginas or energies that just give up.

.... A number of older men (gay and straight) have admitted that everytime they hear a Cialis commercial in bed, they secretly are lusting after that 'dangerous four hour erection' and, as one man said to me "when I finally have my 'erection lasting more than four hours' as the commercials tease or promise or whatever they're doing, I intend to tell not only my Doctor but to barge into the emergency room announcing my sticky little problem and the messianic era, all at once."

Maybe old folk have TV's in their bedroom just to drown out the noise.