Relatioinships in whichever Quarter of Life can be playful, in situations such as those I was thinking about yesterday .... bedroom play and dialogue between partners. Playfulness may be among the highest order of interactions in which important or not-so-pressing desires and "needs" are being requested. In general, intertwining threads of wishes and needs become matted ... and painfully, confusingly locked in! Some things feel like needs, even though they are desires and maybe ... just maybe ... carefully delineated distinctions between the two (desires and needs) are impossible.
All this is played out in the dyad ... in the two person relationship ... in the marriage ... between the lovers ... in the parent-child bond .... in friendship ...
To my way of thinking, two of the most fundamental transactions in a dyad are (1) "the request" and (2) "the sharing of either a thought or a feeling." I feel like talking briefly about both, this AM. Let me say that differently. I am imagining that some people are reading this posting ... not too many ... some handfuls, perhaps. I further imagine that I am in some sort of relationship with each of those readers. I wouldn't be writing these notes ... maybe 40 times a year ... if I didn't want to be heard by each of you. What I'm trying to say is that (1) a request is, perhaps, a special form of or interconnected with (2) "the sharing of a thought or a feeling" and -- notably -- I have a wish to be heard by you.
In any case, let me begin with the request. A asks B: "would you do c?" The requested act can be as simple as "would you make me a cup of tea? or coffee?" or "would you hold that door for a sec?" It can be far more complicated: "would you make love to me, tonight" or "would you speak to me with a bit more kindness." In the "good relationship," it seems to me, there is, at least the following:
..... something of a balance between the sums of requests coming in both directions;
........ no ticker measuring that balance and no pressing interest in such a calculator;
............ a preponderance of times when the answer is "sure" or "coming right up;"
.................. rarely a snapping back;
..................... an ability for the requestor to tolerate delay; and
........................... a lack of "snarkiness" (to Philadelphians? "attitude") in the requestee's response.
In the vast majority of situations, the request is perceived by the requestee as an opportunity and by the requestor as a desire until such time that the requestee either refuses or complies with less than a sense of full-heartedness ... without a "you bet" or somesuch. At the moment the 'tug from the other end' (saying, essentially: 'I really don't want to.') is experienced, the requestor begins to experience their desire as a need. Now, it's likely and not a bit unreasonable to assume that the newly experienced need is not for what was originally requested but rather for the sense that someone out there wishes to fulfill their desires. And, by the way, as the shadows of the Fourth Quarter grow longer, the urgency for someone who might fill such requests grows stronger and more urgent. Times a'wastin', as the expression goes.
This brings me to the implicit request to be heard ... to have another 'listen up' to a particular thought or feeling. Here, I've been witness to a number of derailing responses that leave the requestor ... the one who wishes to be heard ... ready to replace the hurt thus felt with an outstretched Divine arm bearing a sharpened sword. The following come to mind in no particular order of their degree of hurtfulness or snarkiness:
... A symbolic turning away, indicating disinterest;
...... A summary changing of the subject, as more or less another indication of disinterest;
......... A suggestion that the one who wants to be heard has misunderstood the situation;
............ Changing the subject;
................ A summary solution (eg, 'if you would only etc'); or
.................... A speech.
In each of these outcomes, the requestor -- of deed or ear, whichever the case may be -- is likely to take that dive into the darkness felt by someone with an unmet need ... lost in the woods or in Macy's at Christmas ... feeling as if they never will find their way home. I find myself thinking that Children (who don't understand) and Old Folk (who feel they don't have time) feel this sense of being lost deeply at this moment when desire turns to need.
I suppose that was a sufficient Sunday Morning Sermon.
Bye!
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